Friday, June 27, 2008

Amateur Research

Even as a young adult, I did not know too much about drugs and the different effects that they have on a person. I was not surrounded with alcoholism or drug addiction when I was young, nobody in my family had any addictions. The occasional glass of wine or a beer was about it. I actually thought my ex-husbands family was so fun and so much different then mine. They always knew how to whoop it up.
In high school, I tried smoking weed and found it only made me feel stupid and sleepy. The occasional hit of speed in school, remained behind me. I tried cocaine once with my ex and knew it was not for me. I had no further desire to continue regularly with any of these things. I did not understand why people were addicts. Until it affected me and my life, I didn't even give it any thought.
After many turbulent years fighting a dead end battle, I realized Robby's dad was not going to ever stop abusing drugs, I never tried to find out why. I already assumed that I knew the answer. He was selfish. He did not care about anyone but himself.

I always half way had it in my mind, that Robby could possibly become an alcoholic or an addict. His fathers drug of choice was cocaine and crack. I don't think I knew that there was any other drugs that someone could get addicted to but those. My stupidity led me to believe that if I took him out of the 'environment' he would go on to lead a healthy fulfilling lifestyle. I was a fool to think a lot of love and a good home life would be all that it would take to shake that 'gene factor'.

After over a year of intense reading, researching, and talking with countless recovering addicts, I now understand how idiotic my thinking was. But when it all first catapulted into my lap, my lack of knowledge was frightening. Knowing my son's life may be at stake, the questions flooding my brain had to be answered.

Why was Robby doing this? What was the appeal? What was it about these pills that made them addictive? Why couldn't he just stop!? Why was he so hateful? What had made him change so drastically in the last year? Was it really these pills? Could they be making him crazy? It had happened so
gradually. Or had it? The past months flooded my mind... when did this get like this? He was so angry now. So hateful towards me. He had always been so loving and caring. Now he had absolutely no conscience, no motivation, no compassion for the pain he was causing me or himself. And he had no desire to change this behavior. Basically, he did not give a shit about anything. NOTHING but sniffing these pills.

Was it because of Oxy's? What the hell was my son doing taking Oxycontin? First he said it was perc's then it was oxy's. Were they the same thing? And where did the whole heroin overdose ten months prior fit in to all of this? That overdose should have been my wake up call but it wasn't. Why! why! why! did I not do something back then. How does heroin have anything to do with pain pills. Boy was I dumb. The hours passed as I searched the Internet. I started to learn about these powerful prescription pain pills and the number of people addicted to them was mind blowing. I felt so inadequate once again. I was so NOT educated in the field of prescription drugs.

The first thing I set out to do was find out what these prescription drugs were doing to my son. How he was getting 'high' from them. What was the appeal? I still only thought of these drugs as a painkiller yes, but one that just made you pass out cold. Take away your pain and make you sleep.

Percocets....Oxycontin.....Roxy's.....morphine.....opiates.....the poppy plant.........heroin.

There it was. I felt like a complete fool. I was an idiot. There was never any reason for me to know or educate myself about opiates prior to this. But now it was my addiction. What where these drugs, all in the opiate family, doing to my son and what could I do to help him stop.

Poppies.....the Wizard of Oz.......that's about how much a knew.

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