Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Guilty as charged?
Six weeks after our blow up, Robby and I had our first cautious words. He had been living with his dad and it was killing me, knowing that he was there. His father was still an addict after all these years and I knew he would not do anything at all to discourage our son from the path he was taking.
We slowly started speaking again over the next couple of weeks and I asked him if we could go talk to a counselor again. This time we would see someone who specialized in drug therapy. Although Robby insisted it was me driving him crazy and not the drugs at all, he agreed to go. He told me I needed the help. As much as I wanted to defend myself, I would have done anything to 'fix us' If it was me then so be it. I could handle that if it would help him.
I know now that this is mostly typical of an addict, but at the time I was still questioning myself.
He blamed me for making him turn to drugs. He bashed everything I had done while raising him. Robby had so much bottled up inside, my heart was breaking for him. I racked my own brain looking for answers, feeling intense guilt. Had I screwed this kids life up so bad that to escape it he needed to pop pills? The first therapist that we saw tried to convince me that I was not having a conversation with a rational person and that of course he would look for someone to blame his behavior on. But my guilt over rode anything he said. I continued to blame myself for my son's bad choices. I went over it and over it in my mind. He convinced me that I had neglected him and never acted like a 'real' mom towards him.
I was devastated. The agony was crushing. Why had I been so lenient? Why didn't I make him do more chores? Why did I let him have so many things? I should have given more. Did I spoil him too much? Did I give him enough? We were always struggling with money, but I tried so hard to make life fun and happy for him. Should I have let him experience the tough times without hiding it from him? Were things too rough on him?
Oh My God..! the questions were endless and each one contradicted the next one.